Day 125: Sunday Scaries

I know I’ve been going on and on about my new job, but it’s a big life change. I’m happy I got the title and salary bump, but it’s definitely been an adjustment. And still is! It’s been a lot of work and I’m genuinely wondering how long I can do this for. Hopefully it’ll get better, but if it doesn’t, I know want a life outside of work and time to work on my own projects. After all I’m putting in 50 to 60 hours a week, which I enjoy for the most part, but it’s ultimately not what I want to do and it’s a lot of time.

For the moment, when Sunday rolls around I just don’t really want to go to work. I don’t dread going and I don’t mind being there when I’m working, but I just don’t want to go. This is normal. Work is work.

My first job out of college was terrible. I don’t know if the job was actually terrible (although people often left) or if I was just adjusting to life after college. Probably a bit of both, although they did have some weird policies. Whether or not the job was terrible, it made me feel terrible.  Every Sunday before work I would just lay in bed for hours with a crushing feeling in my chest. I would walk to work and imagine getting hit by a bus. (Definitely not healthy.) I would cry in the bathroom at work and made elaborate lists counting down the hours, and the minutes for each workday. This is not normal.

Eventually, I chose a day I was going to quit (and made a list counting down the days). I booked an airplane ticket for a few days after my planned exit date, so I couldn’t back out. And then I quit. And I felt fantastic – a weight lifted off my chest which had been crushing me for the past year. (I also played, “One Day More” from Les Miserables on repeat the day before my last day. It was great.) It was a terrible job and sometimes I wondered if I should have stayed, since the following few years weren’t a walk in the park, but in the end I think it was a good decision and I don’t regret it. I’m even thankful it was so terrible, because it brought me to my current place in life and now I know if I ever have those feelings again to get out. It was a good learning experience.

I didn’t know the term Sunday Scaries until I moved to LA. I like it though. It gives a cutesy name to something terrible. Hopefully I don’t have it with this job, but if I do, I already know what it feels like and I know I have the choice and the power to make it go away.

Until tomorrow.

240 days to go.

 

 

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